“I never really liked people a whole lot.”
That wasn’t the answer I expected.
It was the afternoon of Day 1 of a two-day leadership retreat for the senior finance team of a manufacturing company. We were discussing how our beliefs influence our behavior, and I wanted to illustrate how beliefs can change over time.
I had just asked the group a simple question: “What’s something you once believed, maybe when you were a kid, that you no longer believe?”
85% of people blurt out ‘Santa Claus’. The other 15% is a tie between the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.
But Glenn, the CFO, had something else in mind.
“I never really liked people a whole lot.”
He continued, “I’ve got to admit, at work I was a total jerk. All I cared about was whether my team hit their performance targets. My job was to tell them what to do, and their job was to get it done.”
I had no idea where Glenn was going with this confession. What was his point?
But then things shifted.
He continued, “But all that changed two years ago. Two years ago, my wife was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer.”
Glenn explained how his employees had rallied around his family. They brought meals to his house. They picked up his kids from school so he could take his wife to the hospital. They supported him in ways he’d never imagined.
“It completely restored my faith in humanity,” he said.
Then came his revelation.
“I realized that all those people on my team had lives and families and challenges of their own. And I didn’t know anything about any of that stuff. So I started asking them about their lives, outside of work. Really for the first time ever.”
“I’d like to think I’m not the same jerk I used to be,” he concluded. “But honestly, you’d have to ask my team. They’re the ones who get to decide.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
I’ve thought about Glenn’s story many times since that day. Because what transformed him wasn’t a new management system, a productivity tool, or an executive coaching framework.
It was empathy.
And his transformation illustrates something far too many leaders overlook:
How people feel at work profoundly influences how they perform at work.
The Empathy Problem Nobody Wants To Talk About
Mention empathy in a leadership workshop and you can see the eyes rolling.
“Here comes the touchy-feely stuff.”
For leaders who pride themselves on execution, efficiency, and getting results, empathy can sound like a distraction from the real work.
After all, people have jobs to do. Customers have expectations. Deadlines don’t disappear because someone is having a difficult day.
But here’s the irony: If you care deeply about performance, you need to care about empathy.
Because your employees aren’t machines that produce consistent outputs regardless of their circumstances. They’re human beings whose motivation, judgment, engagement, and willingness to contribute are influenced by how they’re treated.
Empathy, at its simplest, means showing other people that you understand them and care how they feel.
Notice the word showing.
Empathy isn’t something you believe you possess. It’s something other people experience through your behavior.
And that’s where leaders often get into trouble.
Your Intentions Don’t Determine Your Impact
One of the most important leadership distinctions I teach is the difference between intention and impact.
You might genuinely care about your employees. You might believe you’re approachable, fair, and supportive.
But what do your employees actually experience?
Do you return their calls? Do you listen when they bring you a problem? Do you react constructively when someone admits making a mistake?
Or do you interrupt, judge, dismiss concerns, and move immediately into problem-solving mode?
Your intentions are invisible. Your behaviors aren’t.
And your employees are constantly collecting evidence about what it’s like to work for you.
That evidence shapes trust.
The Two Types Of Trust Every Leader Needs
Most leaders understand that trust matters. Fewer recognize that trust operates in two distinct ways.
1. Predictive trust
Predictive trust develops when people demonstrate consistent, reliable behavior over time.
Imagine your boss holds a weekly team meeting every Friday at 9 a.m. For two years, they’re always there, prepared and ready to go.
Then one Friday, they don’t show up.
What’s your first thought?
Probably, “I hope they’re okay.”
Now imagine a boss who regularly cancels meetings, arrives late, and breaks commitments.
When that boss doesn’t show up, you’re probably thinking something very different.
Same situation. Different interpretation.
Why? Because past behavior establishes expectations about future behavior.
2. Vulnerability-based trust
This is the trust that allows someone to walk into your office and say, “I screwed up. I need help.”
They’re taking a risk. They’re admitting imperfection. And they’re trusting that you won’t humiliate, punish, or dismiss them simply for speaking honestly.
In leadership workshops, I often ask participants, “What makes you comfortable bringing a mistake or problem to your boss?”
The answers are remarkably consistent.
They listen without judgment. They hear me out. They don’t immediately blame me. They help me find solutions.
In other words, people want to know they’re safe telling the truth.
Here’s the challenge: The same things you need from your boss are the things your employees need from you.
Are you consistently providing those things?
Empathy Without Accountability Isn’t Leadership
This is where some leaders get nervous.
They worry that showing empathy means lowering standards, making exceptions, or tolerating poor performance.
It doesn’t.
Empathy and accountability aren’t opposing forces. Effective leadership requires both.
Too much accountability without empathy creates a workplace where people feel like interchangeable parts. Eventually, they disengage or leave.
Too much empathy without accountability creates a workplace where people may feel supported, but results suffer because expectations and consequences are unclear.
The goal isn’t to choose one over the other.
It’s to integrate them.
Accountability starts with a clear agreement between what someone commits to doing and what they actually deliver.
The problem is that leaders frequently skip the agreement.
They assume employees understood the assignment. They assume expectations were obvious. Then they become frustrated when the outcome doesn’t match what they imagined.
Before you hold someone accountable, ask yourself: Did we explicitly agree on what success looks like?
And did I confirm that we understood the agreement the same way?
Clarity makes accountability fairer. Empathy makes the conversation more productive.
Together, they create the conditions for strong performance.
The Most Practical Way To Lead With Empathy
Fortunately, becoming a more empathetic leader doesn’t require becoming a therapist.
It requires becoming a better listener.
I call this listening with purpose.
Most of us listen with the intention of responding, advising, judging, or fixing.
Listening with purpose means setting those impulses aside temporarily and focusing on one objective: showing someone that you understand their experience.
Sometimes that means asking a thoughtful question.
Sometimes it means saying, “That makes sense,” or “No wonder you’re frustrated.”
Sometimes it means simply being quiet long enough for the other person to finish.
You don’t have to agree with everything someone says. You don’t have to solve every problem. And you certainly don’t have to invite employees into conversations they’re uncomfortable having.
You just need to demonstrate that the person in front of you matters.
And yes, that takes time.
But consider the alternative. How much time gets wasted when people hide mistakes, avoid difficult conversations, disengage, or ultimately quit because they don’t trust their boss?
Building relationships isn’t time away from leadership work.
Building relationships is leadership work.
A Challenge For The Next Two Weeks
If you want to become a more connected, effective leader, don’t start with a sweeping culture-change initiative.
Start with one or two behaviors.
Return someone’s call promptly. Ask an employee how they’re doing and genuinely listen to the answer. Respond to a mistake with curiosity before judgment. Make time to learn something about a team member’s life beyond work.
Small behaviors, repeated consistently, become the foundation of trust.
And trust changes what people are willing to share, contribute, and accomplish together.
Glenn didn’t become a better leader because he abandoned performance expectations.
He became a better leader because he finally saw the human beings responsible for meeting them.
The experience changed his beliefs. His beliefs changed his behavior. And his behavior changed how he led.
The question worth asking yourself is simple:
What do the people you lead experience when they work with you?
Because ultimately, you don’t get to decide whether you’re an empathetic, trustworthy leader.
The people you lead do.